Nameless

I mentioned before how difficult it was to get into the beginning of Nicholas Sparks' novels and I'm struggling to find interest in A Bend In The Road for a few reasons.

#1. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already but at the same time I'm not sure if I've read the entire book so I'm wanting to just re-read it again. However, that's the second reason...

#2. I'm pretty sure I've read the book already and my brain is telling me "NO!"

Haha. Either way it doesn't matter because it's just a book and chances are I have read the book but my memory just doesn't want to work correctly. It's not very long so it shouldn't take me that long to read it and I'd like to get through all of Nicholas' books this year.

Here's what I really want to talk about. I really want to talk about the frustration I get when someone chooses to ignore me. I know that right now is a "difficult time" for my husband because he's feeling depressed and isn't quite sure how to look at life and our marriage any different, but...I'm not sure how to help him. I'm pretty sure that all I can do right now is leave him alone and hope he'll come back to me wanting me to help. That's a very difficult thing to do and there are a lot of parts of me that just doesn't want to do that.

It's so hard to tell yourself, move on when you feel selfish and horrible like you're leaving someone behind but unless you want to get sucked down the hole with them...you've got to let go. So...I'm going to try.

I can't get frustrated for being ignored when I know how that feeling is when all you want to do is sleep the entire day away because you're afraid of feeling horrible about yourself if you're forced to wake up and live the day. There's often a feeling of no point to going through the motions and everything feels ten times more powerful than before. Even the littlest of things like going to get food, or brushing your teeth seems like such a task you can't possibly begin to handle. That's why I don't like feeling like I'm leaving him behind however he's not letting me help encourage him either. I'm just really not sure what to do in this situation and as much as I'd like to take it to God, this time...I'm waiting to do that. I know that He's still right there at the center of my everything and yes I've made some bad decisions despite everything to keep me in this far enough away mood but He's still my everything and I'm trying to follow Him.

I don't know. It's weird to explain because I know and still believe everything about God and this marriage and the work He's done in us, in me, but I feel like I can't allow myself to go back just yet. Because when I go back I'm in that happy, ecstatic state where everything is blissful and irrational and the next thing I know...BOOM either a lie or something else knocks me off my rocker of joy and I'm just unwilling to do that right now.

#3. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

I am so happy to find out that the novel Safe Haven, written by my favorite Nicholas Sparks might be coming to theaters. I just finished this amazing book last night and have to admit was very surprised by the direction he took with this novel. This story was unlike any story he has written so far, but the emotion and amount of details painting each scene perfectly was still in the quality of his work.

This story was about a woman who finds herself in an almost unforgiveable circumstance who has to fight her way to a life she never thought she'd have. Without spoiling all the details in true Nicholas Sparks fashion it's a romance, however, this particular story was more about a woman starting over and trusting love, life, and luck all at the same time. Just when she thinks she's gotten far enough away from her husband, he finds her with a new identity and a family he never intended on giving her. She finds herself fighting back against her abuser to protect the only family she's ever known.

As always I found myself having trouble staying focused at the beginning of the book. For some reason Mr. Sparks likes to take his time leading up to the good stuff but as promised, he delivered BIG TIME! When you get to the second-to-last chapter I sat there reading with anticipation wanting to skip paragraphs and details just so I could get to the ending because it was just that good. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Such is life:
Don't judge the book by the cover and give everything a chance to meet your expectations!

50 books in 1 year

50 Books in 1 Year

#1. MANIC a memoir

by Terri Cheney

#2. Going In Circles

by Pamela Ribon

#3. Safe Haven

by Nicholas Sparks

#4. A Bend in the Road

by Nicholas Sparks

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The truth is I hate my husband.
The truth is I hate that I hate him.
The truth is I hate myself for being so naive and trusting, so desperate and weak to not look out for myself.
I know I'm just another prey for him to munch on and when the meats all gone and all that's left is the chewy fat resting on bone he'll finish and leave to die just like the rest of them only...I won't die.
I may not have the meat that was juicy as before and my fat and bones might be covered with dirt from nonmovement for so long but the difference will be I'll be the one feasting for years when eventually your prey will run out.

The truth is I want to leave my husband, or rather the person he refuses to change.
So many times he plays dumb asking what I mean when I say that very sentence, but if he really truly allowed himself to be vulnerable long enough so that God could reach in and shake him, he'd know and he'd break down with embarassment again. I'm angry because I don't understand his kind or mine. I despise the women who sit there on the floor crying while their husbands tear them down inside, making them hate themselves even more. Deep down I despise them because that is me and I hate that I'm not strong enough to walk away. The question I have is will my God forgive me if I did? Is that what it truly takes for my husband to find his faith just like history in his family?

He's not a bad person and I'm supposed to love him because he's God's creation but I do hate him. I hate what he does to me and the oblivious nature he carries for someone he "has". The truth is that at times I want to fall unto the depression again, turn my back on God and all the gifts He's provided for me to stay afloat. How easy it would be to trip just once, to slip up causing all those demons to tug and pull at me. At that very thought I invision skinned creatures from the underworld crowded beneath me with their dirty, scathed arms pulling at my own. It doesn't take must to pull me under because I'm ready and willing to give up in this vision.

I know that no amount of numbers notecards could ever make a dent and no amount of kisses or "I love you's" or even prayers could make a difference which is why I always come to the conclusion that the only time it has ever made a dent was when he was forced to be alone, dealing with himself long enough for Christ to crowd his space. But again, the notion comes in that he would soon just mimick this relationship with another, not for lack of love for me but rather lack of love for himself.

Am I doomed to this awful hurtful life? No it's not physically abusive like it used to be but aren't internal wounds much more tedious to heal? There's no bandage that will cover a broken heart except for Christ, which then comes back to the question of forgiveness. Will my God forgive me?

Life was so much easier, or at least becoming manageable and hopeful with the acceptance that this life was over. A blessing in disguise really. Am I bad wife or do I not truly love him if I carry these feelings? Everyday is a battle, a struggle for me to just want to touch his hands or to see his face, a face I often find myself wanting to scrape across with my fist. I find myself fighting revenge as to somehow find justification for every person he made to think I was in the wrong, for every person he convinced I was the bad person when everything in this relationship has changed except for him and still the problems occur.

I know now that there is no hope in showing him and there is only a hope that on that day I leave or die, he'll finally get it. Until then is this my mission Oh God? To live a life, a marriage without fullness or joy or even to know what unconditional love is, to not see my husband walk in your light? Why then did You show me what he could be if I believed? Why then did You allow him to perceive his identity as something else and unveil the truth after I made that promise.

Not ever have I lied about who I am or how I work and still I have no clue who this person is at heart. I do wonder if he would be capable in the latter years to kill without disregard or emotion. Does he?

Why did you give me this life, or allow me to choose this life for myself? Was it to show me the error of my ways because I swear if I knew what I knew now I would say 'no' when he asked if I would date him. I would choose myself instead.

Will he ever find You? Does he even want to? How am I to be married to this man whom I hate, and still love him, care for him, forgive him? How am I to be expected to live each day greatful for this life when all I want is a new one, a new husband or at least the husband I know he could be. Is it possible to believe and have hope but not get your hopes up?

I don't want to carry this rock anymore simply because I'm nothing. I am nothing because of this man and the funny part is he wouldn't even know it.

Future novelist

I think I'll write a book.

No one ever said that writing a book had to be published to be great, of course that would be the public standard huh?

Isn't it interesting that anything could really be published these days but yet people are so afraid of the judgement that they shy away from telling their story.

I'd like to write a book and it used to be writing to help others, to paint a better name for myself, to just make money and have fun writing. Now, I want to write a book to heal old wounds. I want to see the words on the page, just like a journal or a letter, accept it as truth and be in a place where I can then say "okay", put down the book, close the chapter, and move on.

I wonder if in life I have a greater purpose and I end up spending more time wondering than actually doing. Even if it sucks, I'll heal because it's a learning process just like life and I feel like once you've figured out how to survive life in a healthy way...nothing will ever stop or slow you down.

The biggest obstacle I have is wanting to walk away from my husband. Of course I love him more than any other person in my life at this moment but I do fight the urge to see how much better, how much easier, how much growth and health would come without him. Of course when I'm not stuck in my emotions I realize that walking away would be the equivalent to leaving a wounded man behind in battle and for me, personally, I just wouldn't want to live with that.

Like anything else I would learn to forgive myself for it and I think that's the biggest difference between me and some others who have walked away is because I know I would be hurt, ashamed, embarassed at times but overall it's like every other decision made in my life meant to be accepted as either good or bad, right or wrong.

I won't leave my husband not because I can't, not because I love him too much, not because I'm afraid I'll never love again or that someone could ever love me again, and surely not because of loneliness. I won't leave my husband because this is not my life and this is not the hand I would've dealt myself. This life isn't about me or what I want for myself or how I want my life to go. This life is about learning how to readjust myself to fit the needs of my God and to me that is the only reason I keep choosing every day that I am reminded of how sad and lonely it can be even with my husband, because I know that this is not my life.

I know that my God would forgive me if I ever chose to leave and He would understand if I felt like I was at the end of my rope with nowhere to go, but I know that there is always more rope even when it seems there isn't and that there will always be the hope of what joys He will bring should I choose freely to abide in Him. I'm not trapped into my decision like I once argued, I am open and free to make whatever choice I want to make but I must always remember that this is not my life and who am I to say how it's supposed to run?

This is what I want my book to be about. What I have physically, emotionally, spiritually survived is easily equivalent to physical pain or injury or sickness. When I hear about stories of children with cancer, men who lost their legs in war, or women who overcame rape and abuse I equate my own struggles with theirs. Most will say how dare I say it's the same but we are all human and we are all capable of the same feelings no matter what circumstances we are in. Sometimes all it take to feel depression is the thought that you're not good enough and sometimes for others it's physical abuse from a parent or stranger who raped you in an alleyway.

So, I'll write because I have the ability to and I'll enjoy every minute of my day because it was made for me, just me.

Fact is Fact.

How do I know I made the right decision? Because the man doesn't care about my worries. He cares about having a third person paying the rent. Here's the facts.

1. We aren't "strong enough" to renew our vows but yet he wants to move in together.
2. We don't get along even if staying together for a week at a time and yet he's convinced we would be good living together.
3. He has to "think about" me staying the night but yet he wants to sleep together for the rest of our lives.
4. Recently when I asked him if he would re-marry me he lied to me about it but yet he says we're strong enough to live and trust one another again.

In my "expert" opinion, this man has confused what is from will be. We will be in a position in the future and I think the reason he has grown more frustrated is for perhaps the first time I have said "no" to a proposition followed by extensive fibs to sweeten the deal. I am proud of myself and where I will be because at the end of it, I will know exactly how to say "no" when it happens again.

I just think that the logics of what is fact is humorous and ironic considering the man who perceives it incorrectly considers himself in deed logical. Fact is fact.

Sheer coincidence?

So...if you know anything about mine and my husband's story, backgrounds and all you would know that every single fear I've ever had in my life, in my marriage has come true.

Sometimes my curiousity really gets the best of me and I do something that I always regret later. In a way I regret it, however, don't because it sparks something inside me to raise to a challenge that doesn't even exist. At first this challenge did exist and I catered to it's every whim simply because I wasn't confident enough to stand up for who I was/am as a woman. In fact it's taken several months, years even for me to even feel as if I were a "real" woman.

I think that confidence in who you are isn't necessarily the packaged deal because you can be confident in what you have to offer but at the same time not confident about what you are or what you stand for. The unique qualities about all of us are so much easier to accept than the simple facts of merely being a woman versus a teenager versus an adolescent. Call it what you will, albeit the way I was raised by my father living states away from my mother, or whatever but it didn't change the fact that I still wasn't confident that I was a real woman.

I guess somewhere I got lost in my own mind not knowing that I was, or could be and thus all of my thoughts fed fears and caused so much pain for myself because of my lack of confidence in being more than just an adolescent.

Just now I had one of those moments where I did something I regret but kind've don't. I smile or smirk sometimes and laugh to myself inside when I think about the "if" of Amanda Cowan. Her name is Amanda Cowan Baker now but as my husband knows her she will forever be Amanda Cowan, the one that got away. To me, and perhaps only me, she isn't and will never be 'the one'. At first, especially when she started becoming a part of our lives again I truly didn't want to believe this fact and I really did think that perhaps I was some sort of substitute for his previous girlfriend Lexi and Amanda. It was really hard to stomach possibly meeting her and being "friends" with her when it became evident that their long-term friendship, one that I "could never understand" became more important than our marriage. It became excruciatingly painful when I found out that my husband felt more comfort in talking to her about our marital problems instead of me so that we could find a solution together. I felt so cheated.

Anyways, I won't rehash the past but all I can say is that I am 'the one' because any other 'one' would've left a long time ago and if I did leave...it would've been that moment of desperation for self existence knowing that I had escaped your grasp finally leaving you forever.

I just laugh at the coincidences that are provided just to prick those fears within me. The shocking similarities to the women that he has previously dated before me is so weird. For instance, Amanda, or Mandy as he knew her. She is very strong-willed because she had to face losing her mother in highschool to cancer, she's joined the army and ran a marathon. I've wanted to run a marathon and she's already done it while living in Hawaii where she graduated from massage therapy school, to which my husband would benefit completely considering his extensive back problems. She also paints and draws tattoos and now in her free time between being superwoman and fixing up her house while her husband is in the army and raising three children she also draws tattoos for people and studies to become a veterinarian tech. She runs about 7 miles a day and to my fears is the perfect model of what he would want for a wife. She's strong minded and opinionated which is the one evidence I see to them never truly being a fit for each other because she would not put up with my husband's bullshit, but then again I allow myself to believe that she still is the perfect image of what he never knew he always wanted. Perhaps her confidence and strong will would've been beneficial to his short comings, but we'll never know because that ship sailed several years ago.

What's sad is that there is a possibility that if things worked out differently, and if he wouldn't have abandoned her and joined the Marines only to be medically discharged later on, that they would be together. The sadness comes in knowing that I would've gotten the boot without him ever truly admitting to how wonderful I am. Perhaps he'll never see that like he did that short period of time.

Then you have Krissy, or as she prefers Kristeena. She's the "free-spirited" woman that captivated his liking with her flirtaious and curvacious body and confidence. I now am forced to live with her as a friend in my life, which she is a wonderful person, but there still is that undeniable elephant that she has slept with my husband and he has again talked with her openly about our marriage instead of me. She also has the ability to cook home-cooked meals which is something no doubt my husband would love considering his mom loves to cook and would always make meals when they were children. She has large breasts which has always been something he has liked. She is adventurous sexually and no doubt probably the best he's ever had although he's admitted that I was. She also paints and is crafty.

The uncanny coincidences that continue to appear are frustrating but a challenge none-the-less. I have had to battle each one of his skeletons and at times I feel like I'll never win, but the truth is with or without my husband...I have won because it doesn't matter who he ends up with as long as I stay true to who I am. If it were to be that he and I were never meant to be together forever and he did end up with the perfect blend of all of us combined, I would be hurt for a while, rejected, but I would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a man out there that will not require me to be challenged by his past every day of my life and to constantly doubt, or combat every coincidence that arises.

This is a simple lesson to which has taken me years to suggest, digest, and perfect to which I may never perfect...but strive to everyday.